i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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