maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
