And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
