I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
