I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
