Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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