I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
