Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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