The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
