Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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