im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
