The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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