It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
