You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
