I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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