im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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