if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
