I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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