Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
