i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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