Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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