There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry about my life...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
