why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
