peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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