The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
