I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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