I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
