My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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