Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
