i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
