I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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