Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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