I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
