I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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