So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
