She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
