I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
