70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
