I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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