Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
