Are we in a gay sports bar?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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