Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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