is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
