forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
