Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
