He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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