I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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