I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.