tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
