Don't make out with my wife yet
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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