Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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