I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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