Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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