I wish my penis had an off switch
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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