I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
