gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
