Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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