What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
