Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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